She lives in a pineapple under the sea...

There's something about eating fried rice for dinner two nights in a row that makes me feel like applying for next season's Biggest Loser. It might be the greasy rice, or the fact that I've been popping cookies like Tic Tacs or that I haven't hauled my butt to the gym in a week, but whatever it is, I feel myself on the brink of a downward spiral and I've decided at this very moment that I need to nip it in the bud STAT. Hence- the bikini post. What better way to put an end to the madness than envisioning my pasty flesh exposed in broad daylight at a public place.

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of the retro, high-waisted styles and am really pretty excited about them- in theory. In years past, I relied upon the tankini to hide my flaws- covering the majority of my pooch, with just a hint of waistline to give the illusion of body confidence. After the boys were born, I was dismayed to discover that the tankini just didn't cut it anymore. To make matters worse, it highlights the very spot on my body that I am now most self-conscious about- that bothersome little wrinkly bit of excess skin that I've named the "sack", with two healthy stretch marks flanking it on either side. That said, the high-waisted bikini seems like the perfect solution to my woes. Bonus- it even covers up the blurry tramp stamp on my hip (we've all made mistakes).

Still- I can't commit. I'm undecided. I've found some really cute ones online, but have a very sneaking suspicion that they'll make my butt look like it's about 5 feet long and I'm not down with that.

Anyways, here are some of my contenders. This first one is my favorite, and I think they are making attempts at solving the long butt dilemma with a little bit of lace-up action in the back. Not sure if it's working. Loooove the print though (and her boobs). Hmmmm....

Free People High Waisted Bikini, $128

Here is my second option- a little bit of Some Like it Hot. Again, loving the print (I'm a sucker for all things leopard) and the girls could definitely use the boost offered up by this cute halter top. This one also has a full skirted bottom, but you can ruche it up and showcase a little cheekage if you so desire.

Diane Von Furstenberg "Bonnie" High Waisted Swim Bottoms, $155

And lastly, we have yet another cute vintage inspired print and cut at Anthropologie.

Wild Watermelon Two Piece, Top & Bottom, $88 each

Looks cute right? But check this out:

I bet she'd be pretty bummed if she knew I was calling her Square Butt Long Pants- but I am.

What are your thoughts?? Any green lights out there?